


Is It Worth It?

by Trekkiehood



Category: Bonanza
Genre: Adam Cartwright needs a hug, Adam and Ben family fic, Angst, Conflict, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Adam, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Whump, he's not perfect, what happens next s1 ep22, with Joe and Hoss too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 22:38:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trekkiehood/pseuds/Trekkiehood
Summary: Ben forced Adam into something he didn't want to do. The result was Adam's kidnapping. Even though Adam was returned safely, the unforeseen consequences leave Ben wondering... "Is it worth it?" (A What Happens Between/Next for Blood on the Land) My first real BZ Fanfiction.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfiction I ever posted. It originated on Fanfiction.net and later moved to Wattpad.
> 
> I've always loved the father/son dynamic between Adam and Ben. Sometimes I feel like Ben puts too much on Adam. Then there's the fact that Adam has lost so many people. I tried to explore that in this fic. 
> 
> Betaed by AC1830 on FF.  
> Hope you enjoy!

_"Pa don't, fifty thousand acres, it isn't worth it."_ Adam's words rang in Ben Cartwright's mind. Surely his son didn't really think that the Ponderosa was more important to him than his own son.

"Come on son, let's get you home," was all Ben could bring himself to say as he began untying the ropes that bound Adam's hands. Ben winced as he saw the damage done by the ropes. The ropes had been tied much tighter than necessary and it had dug deep into his skin. Adam didn't seem to notice. He looked at the bodies before him and hung his head. Death was the last thing he had wanted. The last thing any of them needed. He had hoped that they could avoid bloodshed. That's what he was trying to tell his father. But he had failed. Here lying before him was at least one dead man, maybe two. Not to mention the man he had had to kill himself. And what about those men killed at the time of his capture? He leaned over Billy, placing a wadded bandanna over the wound in his arm and that's where he stayed until Joe rode up with Sheriff Hawkins.

Adam wasn't completely aware of what was going on. It was like the world was in slow motion and he didn't know why. Suddenly he felt hands gently pull him away and lead him to a horse, which he slowly mounted. His father then mounted his own horse beside him. As Ben urged the horse forward Adam's horse followed. He Adam looked back once more, and one thought came into his mind. Was it really worth it?

~ BZ ~

Ben could tell something was wrong with Adam. The way he had to be led was almost as concerning as the fact that Adam had allowed himself to be led. Adam's response still troubled him. What did he mean by "It isn't worth it"? Of course, he was worth it. Any of his sons were worth the entire Ponderosa. How could Adam think any differently? Had he made it seem to his son that his land was more important than his family? Suddenly he remembered what he had told Adam only a few hours before he was captured.

"What's wrong with you boy? You wanna just sit here and twiddle your thumbs while Drummond's sheep eat our land bare?" All Adam had done was suggest that his father wait and talk to the sheriff. His son simply didn't want him to do something he would regret, but he wouldn't have it, he had to do things his way and only his way. "Now you listen to something from me boy, I cleared that land that Drummond is driving his sheep through. I worked 'till my hands cracked opened and sweat blinded my eyes. I planted that grass, and with the Lord's help it grew…."

It sounded like his land was all that mattered, and because of his selfishness, his focus on his "empire" he forgot who had just as much a stake in this as he did. The full impact of that conversation hit him.  I cleared, I worked, I planted. It should have been we. Adam has done just as much for this land as I have. He worked just as hard, and at a much younger age. How could I have been so blind? Adam worked just as hard as I did, but I refused to give him any credit. I took it all for myself. If he had been on the receiving end of those remarks he would have thought the land mattered more than his own life…. Why would Adam think any differently?

"Adam?" Ben decided that an apology was necessary as soon as possible. Adam didn't respond. "Adam." he tried again more forceful.

"Yeah pa?" When Adam finally responded he sounded more tired than even Adam himself expected. A new fear struck Ben. Had he even asked his son if he was okay? He had assumed but, in reality, he had no idea if they had hurt him.

"Are you okay son? They didn't hurt you did they?"

Ben was now staring fearfully at Adam. Looking him over, trying to reassure himself that all was well.

Good going, Cartwright, Adam scolded himself. All he needed was his father to be concerned with his health. "I'm fine Pa, just tired." Adam really didn't want to talk. There was too much on his mind. Well, mainly one thing. Death. Death seemed to follow him wherever he went. The very fact that he was born caused a death. He had seen too much death in his 30 years. Stepmothers, friends, fianceés. Death - the only thing constant in his life. Yet no matter how much trouble he got into, he always seemed able to escape it. He was glad of course. He didn't want to die. But he was tired of death, tired of the emotional strain of the whole idea. Why was his father so persistent in doing things by himself? Why couldn't he just allow the law to deal with things? At least then they wouldn't be responsible for the deaths. Let the law deal with it.

His father was looking at him again. He knew he was concerned, but it was too late for that. Too late for him to care. His father had proven earlier that his opinions weren't needed or wanted, proven that all the work he had done on the ranch through the years meant nothing. The fact that his father was willing to give up his land for him surprised him, but it didn't change what had been said before. If he was so important, why didn't he listen or value his opinions? Adam didn't think he was worth as much as his father’s land. He didn't know why his father did, hadn't Adam killed his mother? Pa’s wife? How could he ever willingly take more from his father? Though he never spoke openly about his feelings, he loved his father. For his entire life, he had tried to make up for all the pain he had caused his father, but today had proven that all the work that he had been put into the land, everything he had done was not needed or appreciated. Maybe I should just leave. There really isn't anything here for me. That thought brought a strange sense of peace. Why shouldn't he leave? He had a college education. He had done well before when he was back in New England. He had always wanted to return. The truth was that he never wanted to leave. This just might be just his opportunity. He shuddered to think of his father's response. He had a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't go over well. He didn't understand why though. He wasn't needed. Hearing his name called brought Adam back to reality by his father's voice.

"Adam. Adam, look at me son." Ben's voice was thick with worry. Adam looked strange. Something was wrong. Physically he looked fine, but something seemed to snap. Something snapped back when Billy shot Drummond. Adam slowly turned his head to look at his father. There was a troubling look in his eyes.

"Yeah pa?" Adam was confused. Why was he so tired?

"What all happened when you were with them?" Ben felt like he needed to get Adam's mind on something other than whatever it was he was thinking about.

"Nothing really. We ate then they put me in the wagon. Then you showed up. That's about it." Adam really just wanted to go home and go to bed. "Billy thought he owed his life to Jeb. It was crazy. He would do anything for him, yet in the end, it was Billy who pulled the trigger. Strange isn't it? How loyalties can switch so quickly?" Ben stared at his son. What was bothering him?

"Son is something wrong?" Ben finally asked the question.

"No, no nothing's wrong. I'm just tired." They were riding into the yard of the house. Adam dismounted and began leading Sport to the barn. His head hurt and all he wanted was sleep. He had to concentrate on every step to keep from falling. Ben could see how tired his son was.

"Here son, let me take Sport. You go lie down." Adam nodded and headed inside, relinquishing the horse's reins to his father. He headed up to his room and immediately laid down, boots and all, and quickly fell asleep.

~ BZ ~

Ben had just finished putting up the horses when he heard a wagon entering the yard. As he exited the barn, he saw Hoss driving the wagon that had been Adam's prison. When he pulled to a stop, Hoss quickly went to the back of the wagon and helped the young man that was shot out of the back. Ben seemed to recall his name was Billy. Billy was leaning heavily on Hoss as they walked into the house. Ben walked behind them and directed Hoss to the guest room. Hoss helped Billy lie down then turned to his father. "Joe went to get the Doc." he stated."The bullet went clean through. Adam stopped most of the bleeding 'fore he left. I think he'll be alright." Hoss smiled.

"Good." and Ben meant it. "Well Billy," he said walking over to the bed. "My sons and I are thankful for your help. You saved my son's life and for that, I am eternally grateful." Billy smiled gratefully, but Ben couldn't miss the emptiness in his eyes.

Joe and Doctor Martin arrived just as the sun began to set. He quickly entered the guest room, already removing the necessary items from his bag. He ushered all the Cartwrights except Hoss out of the room, needing his help since Hop Sing was out of town visiting his cousins in California.

The doctor emerged less than an hour later. "Well, he seems to be okay. The bleeding was efficiently stopped, probably saved his life. I strapped his arm down. Just keep him down and quiet for a little while. I'll be back in a few days to check on him and put his arm in a sling." The doctor seemed content in Billy’s condition, so Ben decided to ask him to check on Adam. The doctor agreed and they headed upstairs.

Paul looked Adam over, he was concerned with the deepness of the rope burns on his wrists. "He looks okay, I'm going to wrap his wrists though. I need to wake him up to know anymore." Paul was concerned that Adam didn't seem to respond. He continued calling his name and began to lightly shake him.

"Has he suffered any kind of head injury?" he asked as he continued shaking him.

"I don't know, he didn't say anything. He complained about being tired, that's all he would say."

The concern in the doctor's voice was terrifying for an already worried father.

"We need to wake him up. He might have a concussion," the Doctor said still carefully shaking him. Ben hurriedly started calling his son's name.


	2. Chapter 2

_He was running. Away from anyone who dared to come near him. Suddenly someone was in front of him. He started to back away but the person kept coming closer._

_"What's wrong Adam?" Asked the sweet female voice. "Don't you remember me? I was your girl wasn't I?"_

_It was Suellen Terry. Of course, he remembered her. "Oh that's right, you killed me. Now granted you may not have pulled the trigger, but he was shooting at you wasn't he? And I was with you. Should have known better; death seems to follow you everywhere." She smiled her sweet smile._

_Adam hadn't noticed the people surrounding him. He looked into their faces. There was Marie, Inger, and another woman he didn't recognize. Then he remembered the picture on his father's desk. This was his mother. More people surrounded him. Friends, people who had died on the trail. People whose life he had taken. Drummond walked up. Billy following close behind._

_"Well then, look who we have here. Adam Cartwright. Look around Adam. These are all the deaths you're responsible for. Some directly, some not. Either way, your very presence caused their death. You should know better than to love, than to care. By caring for others you kill those who wish to harm them, but the ones you love, those you kill with your love. You don't have the right to love Cartwright. Soon your brothers and father will understand this. After all, you do love them, don't you? Love." He laughed. "Love is only for yourself. But no, you love, so you stay. Everywhere you go you cause death." The people began falling away, and he could hear a voice calling out to him. "Well, then Cartwright. Go back to your world of love. Enjoy it while it lasts, because soon it will be gone too._ "

Adam woke up to the worried father and doctor. His head hurt. He was having trouble focusing. He began to sit up, but the movement caused him to groan. "Just take it, easy son." His father whispered to him placing his hand on Adam to keep him from rising. Drummond's words suddenly came back to him. He shoved his Father's hand away he had to keep his only parent safe from the death that always followed him.

Ben was taken aback by his son's action. He laid his hand on top of his son's. Adam jerked away. "Go away." He whispered. "Just go away Pa." Adam's voice was weak. Ben took a step back. What had he done? What rift had formed between them to this point? Adam was beginning to get agitated.

"Ben maybe you should go." The doctor said apologetically. Ben nodded and quietly left the room. He went downstairs and sat in his customary chair. His son didn't want him around. He told him to leave. What had happened? He was afraid his previous words had caused a greater rift than he could have even imagined.

~ BZ ~

The doctor looked at his patient and sighed. He had a concussion. Nothing too serious though. Adam was barely awake and even less coherent, but they had been able to discern the cause of the concussion. When Billy knocked him off his horse he hit his head on the ground, and while not serious at first, it slowly became worse with his lack of treatment. The Doctor's biggest concern was Ben. Anytime he had mentioned the boy's father Adam stiffened and would whisper something like "no, please no." Something had happened and Adam needed time.

As soon as the doctor rounded the corner Ben was standing with searching eyes.

"He's fine Ben." The doctor assured. Ben sat down, his relief evident. "He has a concussion. Most likely caused by the fall off his horse. Just keep him quiet and don't let him get up for a few days."

Ben nodded.

"Ben, I don't mean to meddle, and I don't know what happened between you and Adam... but I advise that you not go up there when he's awake. I'm afraid it would cause more damage if he were to get upset." Paul averted the pain-filled eyes of his dear friend. "I'll be back in about a week. In the meantime, you need to decide if you're going to press charges against Billy." The doctor quickly left the distraught father to his thoughts.

~ BZ ~

"Have you ever thought about homesteading?" Ben asked the young man standing in front of him. In reality, he was little more than a boy. The look on Billy's face told him the answer.

It had been two weeks since the whole ordeal ended. Two very long weeks. Adam and Billy had slept for most of the first week, Ben stayed close by his son, retreating to the hallway every time Adam awakened, telling his father to leave. At the beginning of the second week, Adam had woken up coherently for the first time. When he awakened to see his father sitting beside him, he didn't call out for him to leave, didn't begin thrashing, he simply looked at his startled father. Things seemed to get back to normal. Adam no longer sent his father away and Ben didn't feel the need to inform his son of the pain he had caused him in his fevered state. The only thing different was the fact that almost every night Adam called out in his dreams, often time's telling his father to stay away or leave him alone. If he remembered the dreams he never mentioned them. Adam still looked weak. He was leaning against the wagon saying goodbye to Billy. Adam was the one who thought to give some land to Billy, and hoping to restore the rift between himself and his son, Ben agreed.

Ben got great enjoyment in seeing Billy's eyes light up at the thought of owning his own place. Ben and Billy finished the minor details and Billy was about to leave when Ben began to wonder if this was truly a good idea. He thought he should add a warning. "But you get out of line just once and I'll..."

"Go get the sheriff." Adam finished. Adam's comment was said lightly almost comically, but the look Ben saw in his eldest's eyes told a whole other story

"Yes." Ben laughed. In the morning, he thought. I'll talk to Adam in the morning.

~ BZ ~

He was running. Running from his family. He couldn't let them get near. He couldn't be responsible for his family's death. He had to get away. They kept coming.

"No!" he woke up startled. I can't go on like this, Adam thought. He couldn't do this, to himself or his family. He got up and went to his desk. Pulling out a sheet of paper he began writing. When he was done he folded it in half and wrote "PA" on the front. Getting up he grabbed a carpet bag from his closet. After throwing a few outfits, a few books and his mother's music box in the bag, he quietly dressed and straightened up his room. Looking around for one last time he quietly stepped into the hall and shut the door. He silently walked down the steps, making sure he avoided the creaking board and laid the note at his father's place at the table. He then put on his hat and gun belt and left the house that he had designed, built, and lived in. After quickly saddling Sport he lead him into the yard. He gave one last look to the house where his family slept, and rode away. To protect them, he reminded himself as the tears began to fall.

~ BZ ~

Ben felt uneasy. He had felt that way since Adam had once again called out for him to leave him alone. It has become almost nightly, but last night, last night was different. Ben remembered his promise to himself that he would talk to his eldest this morning. Heading downstairs he looked at his son's bedroom door. Something definitely was not right. He sighed and took his customary seat at the table. Looking down he saw the paper folded at his place. "PA" was written on the front in Adam's handwriting. He felt sick. With a shaking hand he unfolded the note and read:

_Pa,_

_I'm sorry. I have to go. I can't stay here. I can't hurt you anymore. Please don't come looking for me. I know I don't say this enough, but I love you. That's why I have to leave. I don't want to hurt anyone else._

_Tell Hoss and Joe that I'm sorry, and despite everything, I love them. I'm sorry Pa, I never wanted to hurt you. Recent events have confirmed that you will be better off without me. I hold no grudges. Just know it's not your fault, it never has been._

_Your son,_

_Adam_

Ben could hardly see through the tears streaming down his face. He slowly released his grip on the paper as he laid down his head and wept.

~ BZ ~

Joe and Hoss were taken back by the sight that greeted them when they made their way downstairs for breakfast.

"Pa!" Joe called, racing towards his father. "Pa what's wrong?" he didn't answer. Hoss had followed Joe and picked up the paper lying near his father. He blanched.

"Joe, Joe look at this." Joe turned and quickly read the note in Hoss's hands. He turned the colour of the paper the note was written on.

"Hoss," he whispered, turning tear-filled eyes to his big brother. "Hoss why?" Hoss's eyes were equally tearful.

"I don't know Joe, I just don't know," he responded in a whisper. Neither knew what to say to the distraught father who had just lost his eldest son.

~ BZ ~

He was gone. They were safe. Why did he feel so uneasy? He continued riding through the woods. He kept reminding himself that this was the only way to save his family, but he couldn't stop the uneasy feeling he had. Suddenly a gun went off and Adam could feel the agony of the bullet tearing through his shoulder. He fell off of Sport hitting the ground hard. The agony in his shoulder was intensified by the new terrorizing pain in his head. He was trying to catch his breath and sit up but the dizziness prevented him from accomplishing either. He tried once again to rise but this time was stopped by someone's boot pressing down on his chest. The boot kept pressing down until he felt his ribs crack. Breathing became increasingly difficult as the owner of the boot began laughing.

"Well Cartwright," the man began laughing. "Looks like more trouble is going to come of this than you thought."

Adam's vision was beginning to blur, but he could make out the face. It was Collier. The lone survivor of Drummond's top men.

"You killed my friend Wheeler. It would have been worth it had we gotten the land, but thanks to you we didn't. Now you're going to pay and I'm going to get money to compensate for all the trouble you've caused." He removed his foot and tightly grabbed Adam and yanked him to his feet. Despite his weakened state, Adam immediately began fighting his captor. Collier wasn't amused. He punched Adam in the stomach and smiled evilly when he doubled over in pain.

Adam was gasping for breath when Collier placed the gun on the side of Adam's head. Adam straightened, fighting the pain. "Now Cartwright, how about you hold out your hands in front of you and go along quietly while I tie your hands." He gave another wicked grin.

Adam quietly complied. He was having trouble breathing, and his shoulder sent shafts of pain through his entire body. The man reached into Adam's saddle bags and found a rope. He attempted to tie the rope one handed, but when he couldn't he holstered the gun. Adam saw his chance. Just as the man finished the knot, Adam kicked out at him knocking him back. Adam attempted to run, but it was more of a stagger. Collier shot the ground next to Adam. Adam stopped.

"Next time I won't miss," he said as he yanked Adam back by the hair. The sudden movement sent waves of pain through his shoulder and he gasped. Collier laughed. "That'll teach you to run away," he said delivering another blow to Adam's stomach.

Adam began gasping for breath. "Get on the horse." He motioned to Sport with his head. Adam was having difficulty getting on the horse between his injuries and his tied hands. Collier offered no assistance and simply stood back and laughed. When Adam finally got on the horse he was exhausted and nearly unconscious from the pain. Collier tied Adam's hands to the saddle horn and mounted his own horse in front of Sport. Adam hadn't noticed the rope tied between the horses, but he was past caring. They were headed back to the house. He could tell that much, but he couldn't think. He stopped trying and put all his energy and concentration on staying conscious enough not to fall out of the saddle.

~ BZ ~

"I'm going after him," Joe exclaimed.

"No, Joe." Ben's voice was strained. "He asked us not to come after him, we need to respect his wishes."

Ben wanted nothing more than to saddle his horse and go right after him. This was his fault. He had made it seem to Adam that He wasn't needed or wanted. He had done this and now he would have to pay the consequences.

"But Pa," Hoss joined in. "Some things not been right with Adam. Something happened. We need to talk to him and figure out what it is that's got him so riled."

Ben thought for a moment. Was it worth it? Was it worth going after him? Would it be better for everyone if he just let his son go? No. The answer was obvious to him. How could he even think it was better that way? The note had said he didn't blame his father. That meant he blamed himself. Ben couldn't allow his oldest son, the son who had been with him through every trial, the one who had suffered through everything from the hard trail life, to watching the only mother he ever knew die, and completely taking over the ranch after Marie died. This was his son. He could not allow for Adam to blame for something that wasn't his fault. This was his son. He couldn't let him stay away, probably blaming himself for things that weren't his fault.

"Go after him, and hurry."

During the conversation the sound of two horses entering the yard had been lost. Suddenly the front door burst open and a barely conscious Adam was shoved through the door falling hard on the wooden planks.

"Adam!" Ben exclaimed running towards him.

"Hold it right there." Ben looked away from Adam and into the face of a man who looked familiar. This was the man that Hoss knocked off the horse, the man who shot Billy. "Now step back," he said.

Ben complied.

"What do you want?" Ben asked, worried at the unmoving form of his son. The man laughed a cold hard laugh.

"Well this feels awfully familiar, don't it? What I want at the moment is for you to take these here ropes," he threw several ropes at Ben. "and tie up them two boys of yours." He motioned with his gun at the two stunned Cartwrights.

He pointed the gun down towards the still unmoving Cartwright. "I think I'll keep this one with me."

Ben just stared. He couldn't, wouldn't, tie up his own sons. Collier cocked the gun and looked at Ben. "You have two other sons Cartwright, I only need one. This one killed Wheeler, I don't have any problem killing him." Ben grabbed the rope and turned to his sons. "You two sit down in those chairs." They compiled. Ben knelt and began tying their hands and feet.

"I'm sorry boys," he whispered.

"It's not your fault pa," Hoss whispered back.

"Yeah, it's that animal's," Joe growled.

"There, I believe your name was Collier. Now what?"

"Sit down over there." He motioned to Ben's office chair with his head. Ben walked over, his eyes on Adam the whole time. He saw the unsteady rise and fall of his chest and knew, if nothing else, he was still alive. Ben sat down and Collier abandoned his post at Adam's side and tightly tied Ben to the chair. He then proceeded to check on the other two Cartwrights. When he was satisfied he roughly grabbed Adam and pulled him to his feet. It was then that Ben saw the real damage done to his son.

"You shot him!" he gasped. The man laughed.

"Quite an observer there Cartwright. Now, on to real business. I want Ten thousand dollars and I want it now."

Ben was taken back. Ten thousand dollars? Surely he didn't think they kept that much in the house!

"We don't keep that kind of money around here," Ben responded as calm as he could.

Collier punched Adam in the stomach then dropped him to the ground and kicked him in the ribs. There was a sickening crack as more of his ribs broke. Adam began coughing and coughed up an alarming about of blood.

"Now do you care to tell the truth?" He was losing his patience. If the sheriff came to the Ponderosa looking for him, this would be all for nothing.

"I told you we don't have that kind of money in the house. You can take whatever we have. Please." Ben couldn't help the pleading tone his voice took on.

The intruder brought his foot back.

"Come now Cartwright, is it really worth it?" He let his foot fly into the young man's stomach and laughed as he cried out in pain. Ben was panicking. He honestly didn't have the kind of money in the house. What could he say to make him believe him?

"The bank, send one of us to the bank. We'll get you any amount you want, but please leave him alone." Ben was finding it difficult to fight the tears. Collier looked at the man. He'd seen him willingly give up his land for this same boy, he doubted he was lying. But this was a complication he didn't need.

"Where's your safe?" Ben felt momentary relief.

"Over here beside my desk." Collier walked over to the safe and knelt down.

"What's the combination," Ben told him without complaint. There wasn't much cash, only a couple hundred dollars, but it wasn't worth getting caught to get more. He took the money then backed away.

"I'm leaving and I can't run the risk of one of you following." He kicked Adam again and this time Adam didn't respond. "Don't matter anyway. Boy's dead." He caught the obvious look of horror before he left, once again laughing.

As he shut the door he thought he heard something, but was too busy counting his money to notice the horse riding into the yard.

"Hold it right there Collie,." the sheriff's voice was heard. Panicking he reached for his gun. The sheriff fired before he could even draw. The sheriff got off his horse and carefully walked towards his prisoner. He shook his head. Dead. He headed into the house to see what damage was done.


	3. Chapter 3

The sheriff quickly opened the door, not really sure what he expected. The first thing he noticed was the crumpled figure on the floor. He began to walk towards it when he saw the white faces of Joe and Hoss each tied to a chair. He hurried over and untied them. Hoss nearly ran the doctor over going to his father, and Little Joe immediately went to the broken figure's side, whom the sheriff now had no doubt that it was Adam. He looked over to where Hoss was untying his father. Ben was completely silent. His eyes never leaving the sight of the battered body of his eldest son. As soon as Hoss undid the last knot, Ben was at Adam's side. Tears were streaming down his face. The Doctor watched concerned. He held little hope for Adam. He assumed by everyone's reaction that he was already dead. He was worried that Ben would need a heavy sedative before everything was said and done. He shook his head as he walked by the body of Collier. Why did everything have to happen this way? If Ben had is it come to me in the first place.... He let the thought trail off. When will people learn that taking the law into their own hands only causes more trouble? Despite what people think, it's never worth it.

~BZ~

Ben rocked the still form back and forth. "It's okay Adam. It's okay boy," he whispered. There was no response. Hoss and Joe stood in shocked silence. Why had this happened to their brother? Had the sheriff not informed them of Collier's death they would have both been after him.

Ben looked down into the face of his firstborn and gasped. Adam's eyes were open and looking at him. Adam's lips formed a silent "Pa" before leaping back into unconsciousness.

The Sheriff turned to Joe, about to suggest he go get the Doctor, but he was already out the door.

"Ben, please, let me help." The sheriff offered. The father didn't seem to notice.

"Here let me try," Hoss said, kneeling down by his father. Doing his best to ignore the blood on the floor seeping into his clothing. "Pa, Little Joe went to go get the Doc. We should probably get Adam up to his room."

When there was still no response, Hoss gently moved Ben's hands away from Adam. At first Ben tried to protest, but in the end, he relinquished Adam into Hoss' strong arms.

~BZ~

Hop Sing was worried. He had heard gunshots. Hop Sing had seen enough in his life to know the silence of death. He could sense it lurking. Whether it had already taken a life or was about to, he didn't know. He should have stayed at the house. After everything that had happened, he should have stayed at the house. The sheriff had warned him in town of the danger this Collier produced. He should have come back as soon as he heard. But, he had waited. Finishing his many errands in town before returning to the ranch.

He had only returned from California a few days ago. He had been informed of the Drummond incident, but even without the details, he could see that something was bothering Adam. Hop Sing had awoken to find the note. He could guess what it was about. He knew how Ben felt about his sons, knew how heartbroken he would be. He shouldn't have left, town could have waited. But, he had put aside his better judgement and headed to town before Ben had even woken up. He was relieved when the house came into sight.

He stopped the wagon, not bothering to tend to the horses or supplies. As he approached the house he saw a man lying dead. He opened the door. Ben Cartwright was being helped up by the sheriff, a pool of blood all around him. The Chinaman rushed to his employer, and friend, Ben Cartwright, fearing he was injured in some way. The Sheriff looked at Hop Sing and motioned with his head for him to go upstairs. Hop Sing hastily obeyed the silent command. Heading upstairs he heard a quiet whispering. He followed the voice to where Hoss was whispering encouraging words to a very injured Adam. As Hop Sing entered the room he wondered, if before the night was over, not one, but two lives would be snatched away by the claws of death.

~BZ~

The Doctor ran up the stairs. If the amount of blood on the floor was any indicator, he was surprised the boy was still alive. When he reached Adam's room he was relieved to find the boy still alive, if only barely. Hop Sing had already begun cleaning the wounds, but Hoss was sitting beside the bed, holding Adam's hand and whispering unknown words.

"Hoss, I need you to leave now." Hoss looked up as if realizing the Doctor for the first time.

"But Doc," he started. He was cut off by the Doctors rushed words.

"Hoss, I need to work now. Please leave."

Hoss sighed and reluctantly left the room. The Doctor knew he had his work cut out for him. Checking Adam's injuries he discovered several broken ribs, but before he could set them he came to the realization that the bullet in Adam's shoulder had already caused an infection. The ribs would have to wait. He gave Hop Sing orders and prepared for surgery.

~BZ~

Joe didn't think he had ever seen his father so upset. Shock was more like it. When he had returned with Doctor Martin, Joe had fully intended to follow the Doctor to his big brother's room. However, after seeing the state his Pa was in, he decided it would be best to stay with him. Going up would have been pointless anyway as Hoss made his way down the steps nearly immediately following the Doctor's ascent. The Sheriff had gone to deal with Collier's body, leaving the boys alone with their Pa. Joe tried to talk to Ben. When that failed he sent pleading looks at Hoss, who just shrugged. Joe looked at the clock, eight-thirty The day was almost over and there was still no news of his oldest brother. Though he would never admit it, Joe loved his brother. He respected him and looked up to him. Joe got so frustrated sometimes when Adam would seem to be the perfect child while Joe was always in trouble. Those few moments when they thought Adam was dead had been the most terrifying moments in his life. He had never thought of life without his older brother. Ever since Adam got back from college, Joe had gotten used to the idea that Adam would be around forever. Joe was taken out of his thoughts when the Doctor descended the stairs.

Everyone seemed to hold their breath. Even Ben seemed to be aware for the first time since the incident started. The Doctor began, "I've always been honest with both my patients and their family, and I'm not going to stop now. The damage was severe. I'll be shocked if there is no lasting damage, due to his ill-treatment. However, I believe he should pull through." Hoss and Joe smiled and Ben seemed to relax a little. "He still has a fever. But, as long as we can keep it down, and get him plenty of fluids to replace the blood he lost, like I said, he should pull through. I'm going to stay with him tonight. You, gentlemen, need sleep." and with that, the Doctor walked back up the stairs to be with his patient.

~BZ~

The dreams seemed never-ending. Death. Death everywhere. What was worse, he couldn't wake up. As if someone was ensuring he could never escape the grasp of his nightmares. Fear. The same fear that had haunted him throughout his childhood. Abandonment. They seemed to run together. Abandonment was basically the same as death. Wasn't it? Through death you are separated from those you love, abandonment is almost worse. At least death isn't a choice. His mother didn't choose to die. Inger had no idea that arrow would strike when it did. Marie's horse fell with no warning. But Pa, Pa had a choice. He could choose whether to accept him or turn him away. This made his father the man he most loved and feared. In his dreams, his mothers were dying. Sometimes one by one, sometimes in one quick moment. But they always died. His father always watched. Watched and ignored his struggling son as he seemed to become buried deeper in pain. The neglect he felt after the death of all three of his mothers amplified in a fevered dream. He wanted it to stop. His body continued to deny him the relief of coherency. Suddenly his mother was there. Alive and well. She smiled at him and reached out her hand. Smiling he took a step towards her. He reached out his hand.

Sleep was impossible. How was he supposed to sleep when his boy was hurt? Ever since his kids were little he had never been able to sleep when one of them was hurt. Adam had had it rough. He had to grow up way too fast. Ben blamed himself for this. If he had been a better Father then maybe...

"Ben!" The Doctor's voice called out. Now even more panicked, he ran to Adam's room.

"What's wrong? What happened?" he basically yelled.

"I don't know," the Doctor answered quickly. "His physical state is stable. But something is causing him to slip deeper into unconsciousness. If he slips any deeper I can't guarantee that he'll wake up at all." Ben went pale. "Listen, Ben, I don't want to pry into your personal business. But whatever is going on between you and Adam needs to end. I can't help but think this has something to do with it. There's nothing I can do. I'll be right outside the door."

"But what...?" Ben started.

"Talk to him, Ben." The Doctor answered and walked out the door. Ben sighed. He looked at his son. His eldest son. So still and pale.

"You know Adam," he whispered, "you remind me so much of your mother." A small smile played on the father's lips. "So full of life. Never backing down from your convictions." He paused. "She would be so proud of who you've become. Just as I am. Regardless of what it may look like, I'm proud of you son. Very proud of you. When I thought you had left, I was terrified. Do you hear me, Adam? I was terrified of losing you like I lost your mother. Well, I won't have it. I won't have you leave like your mother did!" He was nearly shouting. "You were right, you know. Right about the law, right about Drummond. If it wasn't for you, the Ponderosa wouldn't have made it past its first year." I don't want to hurt anyone else. Just know it's not your fault, it never has been. "Adam, what happened with Drummond it's not your fault. What happened to your mother it's not your fault. Marie, Inger, it's just what happened. It was nobody's fault. Please, Adam. Please wake up. I love you." As the Father continued reassuring his unconscious son, he didn't even notice the three smiling figures watching from the doorway.

She disappeared as quickly as she appeared. He would later decide that she was never there at all. Just another illusion caused by his fevered brain. Her presence was replaced with the voice of his father. Reassuring words of forgiveness as well as an apology. A smile played on Adam's lips as he listened. His father didn't blame him for anything. He opened his eyes and looked at his father. Slowly, he moved his hand into his father's, whose hand was resting on the edge of his bed. Startled the older man looked down. "I love you too Pa." The younger man smiled.

"Well, then young man." Ben smiled back. "Glad you decided to wake up!" The unshed tears were evident in his voice.

~BZ~

Months had passed and Adam had made a full recovery. Ben and Adam grew a strong bond once again. The family was stronger than it had been for a long time. They helped each other, sometimes at their own risk. Whenever someone would ask why they were willing to do anything for each other, they would reply "Family is always worth it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! This was my first Bonanza fanfiction.If you have any suggestions or comments feel free to message me. I enjoyed writing this story. If you have any ideas for other stories let me know!  
> God bless,  
> Trekkiehood


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